When couples come to my practice, they often arrive at a crossroads. The warmth has faded, conversations have become transactional, and somewhere along the way, they've settled into doing just enough to keep the marriage afloat but not enough to make it thrive. One partner might say, "We're roommates, not lovers anymore." The other nods in weary agreement.

If this resonates with you, I want you to know: you're not alone, and more importantly, this isn't the end of your story.

Rebuilding trust and open communication requires more than good intentions. It demands consistent, intentional action that goes beyond the bare minimum. Here are five keys I've seen transform marriages in my years as a marriage and family therapist.

1. Practice Radical Vulnerability

Trust doesn't rebuild in safe, surface-level conversations. It rebuilds when you're willing to share the messy, uncomfortable truths: your fears, disappointments, and needs.

I often tell couples that vulnerability is the currency of intimacy. When you say, "I felt invisible when you didn't ask about my day," instead of "You never care about me," you're opening a door rather than slamming it shut.

Try this: Set aside 20 minutes this week where you each share one thing you've been afraid to say. No rebuttals, no defensiveness, just listening. You might be surprised how much closer you feel when you stop protecting yourselves from each other.

2. Replace Assumptions with Curiosity

After years together, we think we know our partner inside and out. But this familiarity can become a trap. We stop asking questions and start making assumptions: "I know what they're going to say," or "They should know what I need."

Curiosity is the antidote to resentment. Instead of "You're always on your phone," try "I've noticed you've been on your phone more lately. What's going on?" This simple shift transforms criticism into connection.

People change. Stressors evolve. The person you married at 25 isn't the same person at 35 or 45, and neither are you. Stay curious about who they're becoming.

3. Create Rituals of Connection

Intimacy isn't just about grand gestures or date nights (though those matter too). It's built in the small, consistent moments that say, "You matter to me."

I encourage couples to establish daily rituals: a morning coffee together before the chaos begins, a six-second kiss before leaving for work, or a nightly check-in where you share your highs and lows. These micro-moments of connection accumulate into macro-change.

The key? Protect these rituals fiercely. When everything else is negotiable, these moments shouldn't be.

4. Own Your Part Without Scorekeeping

One of the biggest obstacles to rebuilding trust is the desire to keep everything "fair." But relationships aren't transactional ledgers. They're living, breathing partnerships that require both people to show up fully, not just 50/50, but 100/100.

When apologizing, focus on your actions without adding caveats: "I'm sorry I shut down during our conversation" is powerful. "I'm sorry I shut down, but you were yelling" negates the apology entirely.

Taking ownership of your part doesn't mean accepting blame for everything. It means recognizing that you're both contributing to the dynamic, and you can only control your own choices.

5. Seek to Understand Before Being Understood

Most relationship conflict isn't about the dishwasher or the credit card statement. It's about what those things represent: feeling unappreciated, unheard, or unseen.

When your partner is upset, resist the urge to immediately defend yourself. Instead, try to understand the deeper need beneath their words. "It sounds like when I forgot to call, you felt like you weren't a priority to me. Is that right?"

This kind of empathic listening doesn't mean you agree with everything. It means you value your partner's experience enough to truly hear it before responding.

Moving Forward Together

Rebuilding trust and communication isn't a linear process. There will be setbacks, difficult conversations, and moments when you question whether it's worth it. But I've witnessed countless couples move from disconnection to deep, authentic partnership when they commit to going beyond the bare minimum.

Your marriage deserves more than autopilot. It deserves intentionality, effort, and the willingness to show up even when it's uncomfortable.

If you're reading this and feeling overwhelmed, remember: you don't have to do this alone. Working with a trained marriage and family therapist can provide the support, tools, and safe space you need to navigate this journey together.

The question isn't whether your marriage can be saved. The question is: are you both willing to do what it takes to transform it into something better than it was before?